You should date a guy who watches films.

Date a guy who watches films. Date a guy who spends his money going to the cinema instead of going to the cricket, who has problems with lounge room feng shui because he has too many DVDs. Date a guy who knows what is coming out in cinemas over the next 12 months, who has reviewed movies ever since he was 12.

Find a guy who watches films. You’ll know that he does because he will always be distracted when walking past any cinema or film poster. He’s the one looking through the DVD shelves in either the big chain or art-house bookstore, the one who does a quiet fist-pump when he has found the Ingmar Bergman rare movie he has been wanting for years. You see that weird guy re-arranging some of the DVDs on the top shelf? That’s the film watcher. They can never resist putting a misplaced DVD in its correct place (alphabetized or other).

He’s the guy sitting on his own in the local cinema. If you take a look at the seat next to him, you’ll see that he’s put his bag/snacks/movie magazines on it, because he’s used his free double pass to buy both seats (as none of his friends were available or interested in the new Sam Mendes movie). If the trailers have started, he’s already lost in a world of cinematic possibilities. Sit down. He might give you a glance, to make sure that you haven’t got your phone turned on, or have rustling lolly wrappers. Ask him if he’s looking forward to The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, when the trailer has finished of course.

Leave him be for the duration of the movie. Unless it’s a frivolous comedy, don’t speak to him until the credits start to roll (and even then, not if there’s an The Avengers-like post-credit sequence).

Let him know what you really think of Lars von Trier. See if he has ever got through all of the Lord Of The Rings films in one sitting. Understand that if he says he understands every one of David Lynch’s films, he’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask him if he loves Bogey or he would ever like to be Bogey.

He will have mapped out your entire life together, scene by scene, within minutes of getting the first sign that you’re interested in him. This is not because he has expectations, but because he can’t help but be creative with his emotional state.

It’s easy to date a guy who watches film. Give him film books for his birthday, for Christmas, for anniversaries. Give him the gift of cinema, both in written and digital form. Give him Star Wars blu-rays, Werner Herzog box sets, Wizard Of Oz 70th Anniversary Ultimate Collector’s Edition, the latest version of Metropolis with that extra 9 seconds of lost footage restored. Let him know that you understand that cinema is life. Understand that he knows the difference between films and reality but by god, he’s going to try and make his life a little like his favourite film. It will never be your fault if he does.

He has to give it a shot somehow.

Disagree with him. If he understands perspective, he will appreciate your viewpoint, as well as the opportunity to debate the point. He will feel a sense of emptiness if you just agree with him on every film he likes.

Fail him. Because a guy who watches film knows that life more often imitates a Mike Leigh vision as opposed to a Julia Roberts film. Because guys who watch films understand that all things must come to an end, but you can always make a Part II (but never make a sequel that just re-produces what has already past, with no sense of progress). That flawless people never make for interesting narratives. That any character is redeemable, or can make you understand their humanity, as long as he/she/it is written and acted well enough.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Guys who watch films understand that real conversations, relationships and circumstances are never as written or framed as perfectly as they are in the movies (even though he will strive to replicate that magic). The Twilight films are all crap, everyone knows that (not that he’ll admit he paid to see any of them, of course).

If you find a guy who watches films, keep him close. When you find him up at 2AM watching the credits, refill that empty bowl with more chips and ask him what he’s thinking. He may get lost in exposition, giving all the reason why Terrence Malick is not quite as good as Stanley Kubrick, but he will always come back to you. He’ll talk as if the characters in the film are real, because for a while, they always are.

He will want you to try and explain the purpose of Jane Campion movies, or why the minor, more sensitive characters in Nora Ephron movies (e.g. Bill Pullman in Sleepless In Seattle or Steve Zahn in You’ve Got Mail) are the ones that Meg Ryan ignores or rejects in favour of Tom Hanks. You may never be able to give an answer that satisfies him, but he will appreciate your insight.

He will propose using Mr. Darcy’s speech from that scene in Pride and Prejudice. Or whilst re-enacting some cheesy scene from a John Hughes movie. Or very casually on the couch after watching either Dirty Dancing or Brief Encounter (depending on whose choice it is that night) for the 42nd time. He just won’t do it publicly, because that’s so cheesy and clichéd!

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. He will introduce your children to Miyazaki and Buster Keaton, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and he will quote Woody Allen or Kevin Smith under his breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a guy who watches film because you deserve it. You deserve a guy who can colour your world with his imagination and insight. If you can only give him Katherine Heigl flicks and Sex and the City sequels, and only want to watch movies that are in colour and not subtitled, then you’re better off alone. If you want romance and depth and infinite compassion, date a guy who watches film.

Or better yet, date a guy who directs films. (But never date an actor or producer, because they’re usually wankers!)

François Ozon has made quite a few movies that I have enjoyed (Swimming Pool, Ricky). But I remember another of his movies, 8 Women, barely scraping a pass mark with me, as it was too kitsch (the actors made it worthwhile, but only just). This one, however, has little saving grace about it. It’s irritatingly kitsch, the characters aren’t likeable, and the story is not engaging enough. Any one of those in a movie may distract but the sum may still ultimately be worthwhile. All three, however, make it painful. Gérard Depardieau and Catherine Deneuve surely deserve better material than this! 2 stars.

Feature Review: Stavisky... (movie)

A movie about the French agitator Alexandre Stavisky’s last few months, before his unexplained death. This is one of Alan Resnais’ more frustrating films (which range from Hiroshima Mon Amour to the more recent Wild Grass), where you can’t quite find a spot to let yourself into it (it doesn’t help that I know nothing of the history), but the individual scenes are strong enough to make this enjoyable. 3.5 stars.

Mini-Review – Fast And Furious (movie): (Fast and Furious weekend Part 3). Dumb story, poor acting but kickass driving action that makes it all worth it. 3.5 stars.

Feature Review: Under Capricorn (movie)

The local art-house cinema is running a series of "Antipodean" movies, where Australia is imagined on film by non-Australians, and this lesser-known Hitchcock is first cab off the ranks. It tells the tale of an Irishman dealing with an ex-convict made good and getting too involved with his beautiful wife. This may be the first time I’ve ever seen Ingrid Bergman acting embarrassingly ordinary, and the director seems to be trying to make Rebecca 2, but the slight-horror “shrunken head” subplot manages to make the last 20 minutes interesting enough for this to (just) pass muster. 3 stars.

Mini-Review – 2 Fast 2 Furious (movie): (Fast and Furious weekend Part 2). Dumb story, poor acting but kickass driving action that makes it all worth it. 3.5 stars.

Every school holidays, there’s usually at least one “kid’s flick” that’s worthy of adult attention. Given that the other choices were Diary Of A Wimpy Kid 2, Hop and Mars Needs Moms, I figured that Rio must be it this time around. Plus it had been top of the box offcie for two weeks, and it had Jamie Foxx, Anne Hathaway and Jesse Eisenberg so it must be OK.

How wrong I was. This unoriginal movie had virtually nothing for the over-12 viewer, save a Jemaine Clement song (which happens early in the movie, so it’s memory fades pretty quickly). I should have seen the warning signs when the poster (seen above) read “From the creators of Ice Age”!). Don’t waste your time. 2 stars.

Mini-Review – The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (movie): (Fast and Furious weekend Part 1). Dumb story, poor acting but kickass driving action that makes it all worth it. 3.5 stars.

Winner of last year’s Palme d’Or at Cannes, this slow-burning film s not for those who thought Black Swan was a bit “out-there”. This is not a conventional film, but letting yourself go with it will reward you plenty. Essentially a story about a sick man reconnecting with his history, it has that same eerie-yet-hypnotising mood of the best Stanley Kubrick and David Lynch films. Beautifully shot and with a storyline that both teases and entrances, this is a film for TRUE movie-buffs to wallow in. 4.5 stars

Thursday Cinema Round-Up:

Must-sees: Barney’s Version, Never Let Me Go

Avoid: The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest